Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

[Job interview]

employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!

me: I hope that’s ok-

emp: when can he start?

me: WHAT?!

cat: meow

emp: great!

me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!