Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

🤣🤣🤣

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

this is so top tier i cant

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes