I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
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My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
According to math, I’m broke
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.