I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
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those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
WHY?!
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.