I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
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A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
This is amazing.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.