Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.