I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh