I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
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Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Just grow your own
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
