Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

Need this in my life lol

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?

*the sky turns red and warm*