Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.

2025 me is pissed off about it.

When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

Holy shit he’s back

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”

Animal poetry

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

So many people to disappoint, so little time

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.