I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheeseš³ and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
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My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean āexpelledā?
7 year old: Iām pretty sure about this one, dad
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out Iāve never arranged to have my familyās picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Weāre gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actuallyā¦
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I donāt do yoga.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man sheās so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Of course I donāt have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones Iām not an amateur
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: thatās Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: itās short for Michael
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver wonāt stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked āso what are you up to today?ā And I said ānothing much. Just turning myself inā and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Sorry Iām late, I was untangling my AirPods.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: iām telling you
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.