I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
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Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”