Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922