Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

[Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…

Him: K… forget it…

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

<- sleeps well with others

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

some cats are just doing for fun!

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*