Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.

WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”