Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

“If all your friends jumped”

‘Yes’

“But if they”

‘Yes’

“But”

‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st