Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

How to find Kentucky on a map

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

I feel it

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.