I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
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House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug