I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
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Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
This kid is going places
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done