Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

A Monday every week is excessive

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

Does this dress make me look cat?

Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood