Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”