I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
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Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
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