Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no