Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

me logging onto twitter

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!