I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
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Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
honestly, i need both:
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.