Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

“I wouldn’t.”

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees