I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Lmao
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Did my cat write this
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.