Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.