Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

Wednesday

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

How do you milk an almond?

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

there has never been a better use of this meme

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.