I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
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“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Yup
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!