Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

Mummies are just super modest zombies

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

“Are you just going to sit there all day?”

“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.