Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

🦝🔥🦝🔥

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.