Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.