Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

aura

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!