Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.