I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
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I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I WON A HAM TODAY
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
saw this in a dream
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .