Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.

Me: And the drawback?