“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.