Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How your email finds me

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge