Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

new record!

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

What the hell happened here.