Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

Ha

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.