I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
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Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it