“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
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Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.