I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
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Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Penguins walking in 5x speed
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
