Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

You know…for fall…

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.