Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

How about I get 100% off by already being there

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040