I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
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I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.