Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

(True)

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.