Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.

Rookie move.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.