Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

Holy shit he’s back

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.