Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

How to draw a duck

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price