I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
