Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over