Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

Meat Cute

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.