Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.