Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

I finished three books yesterday.

Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates