Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”