Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Me as a therapist: omg same

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away