I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
You Might Also Like
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*