Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger