Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

We have a winner.

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg