I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
You Might Also Like
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
When I grow up, I want to be 16