I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
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This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Don’t forget to tip your server
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific