Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

the battle rages on

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

Just had my nails done!

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.