I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
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constantly working on myself.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.