I can’t deal with men any longer
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I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.