I can’t deal with men any longer
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[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
