Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb