Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin