I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
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Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Me :
All Day At Night
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.