Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

The little toadstool has spoken.

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

weird email i got today