Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?