I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
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why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”