I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
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HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?