Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please