I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
You Might Also Like
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.