Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.