“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
You Might Also Like
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
“Worm Regards”
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I told my vodka about you.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.