I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.