I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
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My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
HR said no more nunchucks.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
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We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
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my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
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A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
She was REALLY feeling it.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts![]()
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
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Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators